


Keep Smiling

by sophieluvs



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Elounor, Ew, M/M, Suicide Attempt, To begin with, Trigger Warning (maybe), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-01-18 04:53:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1415749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophieluvs/pseuds/sophieluvs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has been in love with Louis for 4 years and no one except Niall has ever noticed.<br/>Louis has Eleanor and Harry has pills and a blade</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keep Smiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first ever story and I'm British so sorry if any of the spellings aren't correct. I don't mind criticism as long as it isn't rude. I'm only 13 so please be kind! Xxx
> 
> This is my story from Wattpad. Do not copy.

Help.

I feel like I'm drowning, I can't breath anymore. I think it's all become too much.  
I know I shouldn't love him. He's got a girlfriend for Christ's sake, what more do you need to know? But I do, and I'm in way too deep to back out. So I going to take the easy way out, I've waited 4 years for him too notice I love him. 4 years. I think it's about time I give up. So that's what I'm doing, I've tried moving on , i should of known it wasn't going to work, there's no one as good as Louis. I've tried ignoring it. It being the butterflies I get every time he walks into the room, or makes eye contact or touches me. It being the unrequited love I've dealt with and the pain and suffering I've gone through seeing him with someone else. So now I'm giving it up, along with everything else. This is a goodbye I suppose. 

Dear whoever finds me,  
I'm so sorry that you saw me like this but please don't try to help. It's for the best and I know you won't believe me because no one ever does, but it's the truth I promise. Yet again I am so sorry. Keep smiling.

Dear Niall,  
keep your head up leprechaun, I'm better now. I know you tried to help me with this and I know I've spoken to you about doing this plenty of times but I also know that you will still find this a shock and I'm so terribly sorry. You were always the one who tried to keep my mind off of it when he was out with her and I don't think you'll ever understand just how much I love you for that. You were the person who took Louis' place as my protector when she came, only he protected me from the world, you protected me from him. I know you won't believe me when I tell you you helped me more than words can explain but you did, I would have been gone a long time ago if you weren't here. I never understood why people called you the naive one, you were the first, and only, person to figure this out.  
I love you Nialler, I'm not worth a frown. Keep smiling.

Dear Zayn,  
I know you'll take this as a surprise, along with Liam, neither of you ever saw how hurt I was. I resented you both for that so many times but you weren't to blame, I was the one who swore Niall to secrecy when he found out about the cuts and purging, I was the one who wore the fake smiles, I was the one who hid away in my flat away from the outside world, I was the one who kept it a secret. You were nothing to do with it. Whether you knew it or not you still helped me, so keep your smile and your Vogue model looks, no one wants to see you with red rimmed eyes because of me, but please don't bottle up your emotions, everyone needs a cry sometimes. Look out for Liam, he needs to take a break from being Daddy Direction sometimes. Perrie will support you, have that family you always wanted. I love you Zaynie. Keep smiling.

Dear Liam,  
This is not your fault Liam James Payne, do you understand me?! This was never your fault and it never will be. Please believe me. I know you feel like you should know everything about the band, like you're the one who has too keep everyone happy, but you don't, ok? You need a break too, we all do sometimes, mine just lasted a little longer than the rest. Keep Danielle happy and please support Niall a tiny bit and he and Zayn will support you too. I promise. This is for the best Li, please believe me on this too. I know it's definitely the best for me. I love you Li. Keep smiling.

Dear Gemma,  
hey big sis, don't be too upset over this. You've been the best sister I could have asked for, even through all the petty fights you've always been there for me to talk to, it's not your fault I didn't. It's not your fault you didn't notice what was happening, you were on the other side of the world. I love you so much sis. Keep smiling.

Dear Mum,  
I'm so sorry. You never wanted me to turn out like this and I'm so sorry I've disappointed you. It's not you're not fault, I swear. Robin will look after you, I know he will. He's always been there for you. Tell him I love him too. I love you so much, I've always been a mummas boy. Keep smiling.

Dear Louis,  
I love you. I guess that's the best way to start it, you always liked to know the truth. I never lied though, when I told you I loved you that is, I simply meant it more than you did and in a different way. How was I supposed to tell my straight male best friend I was in love with him? Well, this is how I guess, just a little too late. I love you, I love you, I love you. It feels so good knowing you're going to know what I mean by that soon. I love you, I love you, I love you. You're perfect, I will never understand why you don't believe it. I guess it's best that I'm about to do this, you always wanted to have kids, I would never have been able to give you that, but you have her so I guess it's ok for you. You'll be happy and that's all I ever wanted so, yeah, this is for the best. I'm just happy I got to know you. Tell your little girl or boy you're going to have in the future about his uncle Harry, tell them sorry that I'm not there but that I'm protecting them from heaven, like a guardian angel maybe, cos I will be. I'll be protecting all of you, even her if she makes you happy. She'll support you through this, you'll be fine. I've got to go now, the pills are kicking in and I'm feeling a bit drowsy. I love you, I love you, I love you. 

Keep smiling. ( I always loved your smile )  
\- Harry x 

It hurts now. This was supposed to be painless. It was supposed to end the pain, not cause more. I can't hear anything, my eyes are closing and everything's gone numb. I guess this is goodbye.


	2. Finding Him

"Harry! I'm home! Eleanor and the boys are outside, I thought we could all go for a Chinese. Harry?!"   
Everything's really quiet, the TV is on in the lounge and the radio can be heard from the kitchen, but there was something about it that made it all eerily quiet. His shoes are by the door so he's got to be here.  
"Harry? Where are you?"  Yet again no one answers and its a bit worrying really. I walked down the hall, past the lounge and the kitchen, no one in either of those rooms. Might as well check upstairs to be sure he's not there. I checked the room at the beginning of the hall, mine, first before carrying on to look in the bathroom and finally get into his room, empty.  
"Harry? Is this some kind of fucking joke?! Where are you?!"  At that moment of time I heard the downstairs door open, footsteps walking up the stairs.   
"Louis, mate? Where are you? Is Harry home?" I heard Nialls Irish accent float the rest of the way up the stairs.   
" I'm here Ni, can't find Harry though, I think he's playing a joke cos his shoes are downstairs, so he's here but he's not answering." Niall seemed to go even paler than his usual Irish white in the flick of a switch.   
"HARRY?! HARRY WHERE ARE YOU?!" He shouted, practically bursting my ear drums.   
"Where have you checked?" He said turning to face me.  
"Lounge, kitchen, my room, bathroom and Harry's room. All the rooms in the flat apart from the joint bathrooms to our rooms." I shrugged, he seemed to be taking this quite seriously. He was gone in a flash, running into Harry's room and pounding desperately on Harry's bathroom door.   
"HARRY! OPEN THIS DOOR NOW! I'LL BREAK IT OPEN!" It was a cycle of curse words and pounding that never seemed to end. If I'm honest I'm feeling rather confused.   
"Help me open this door. Now." He said finally turning to me.   
"Why? Maybe he just wants some privacy? Or is playing a joke? Why are you taking this so fucking seriously?"   
"You'd know if you knew him. Now HELP ME OPEN THIS DOOR."  He was no longer pale, now he was a burning red from anger glaring at me as if daring me too ask more questions. I've always been daring.  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'YOU'D KNOW IF YOU KNEW HIM'?! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND! I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM."  
" WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A REAL CONVERSATION?! I CAN'T BEL- you know what this isn't important right now, just help me open this fucking door now or I'll snap your neck." He didn't seem to be joking so I dragged my feet to the door with him. He looked to me,  
" After three we push, got it?"  He's still glaring at me so I just nodded.   
"1, 2, 3!" We pushed as hard as we could but the door wouldn't budge.   
"Call Liam. Now. Tell him to bring Zayn with him from the car park." I nodded and grabbed my phone from my back pocket, calling Liam on my speed dial.  
He answered on the first ring.  
"What are you doing up there? We've been waiting for- " I cut him off quickly.  
"Just get up here now, and bring Zayn, I don't know what's happening but Niall wants you now." I then hung up, giving him no time to question me. Niall was still pounding on the door, now close to tears but still cursing as loud as he could, begging Harry to open the door. I heard the door downstairs open a minute later.   
"What's happening up here?! We could here the noise from two floors down!" I heard Liam call from downstairs.   
"JUST GET UP HERE AND HELP ME. NOW." Niall cried. Two pairs of footsteps rain up the stairs, obviously worried by Nialls voice.   
" HELP ME GET THIS DOOR DOWN, DON'T QUESTION IT NOW! I'LL ANSWER LATER"   
" On 3 we push" Zayn said, still calm through the chaos. "1, 2, 3!" The hinges fell off in one go and Niall ran straight in. The rest of us close behind. I wish I hadn't, Nialls cry of despair should of been a warning. Niall was on the floor sobbing, holding Harry's head in his arms, cradling it like a baby. Liam and Zayn were stood in shock with me, before Liam ran to Harry checking for a pulse and Zayn got his phone out, calling an ambulance as quickly as he could. However, I just stood there, thoughts racing around my head and shock written clearly across my face. What happened, why would anyone want to hurt him, is he ok, what's that sheet of paper beside him - oh. I finally moved, picking up the sheet of paper, hoping that it wasn't what I thought it was. 

Hoping never gets you anywhere.


	3. The Letter - Part 1

The paramedics came quickly, pushing us all aside before putting Harry on a stretcher and rushing him down the 4 flights of stairs as quickly as they could, all the while putting a oxygen mask over his nose and mouth and taking his pulse, shouting things that I couldn't understand, and judging by the looks on Liam and Zayn's faces, neither could they. Niall probably couldn't hear them over the sobs and cries that were racking his body, he hadn't stopped crying since we found him. Some paramedics stayed behind to check all of us after the ambulance had gone but we had refused to stop, running out into the car park and jumping in Harry's car, forgetting all about Eleanor in my own. I was driving well over the speed limit and had gone through well over 5 red lights, no one in the car seemed to car though. They were all focused on Harry. 

Harry. I still had the paper in my pocket, I'd read the first word and stopped, I wanted to read it with the boys in the hospital, or at home so that we were all together through the pain. We got to the hospital in record time, even with me in a daydreaming state thinking about the letter. We rushed out as soon as the car had stopped, we hadn't bothered with seat belts. We ran up to the desk, out of breath, whether it was from the running or the fear of losing our best friend I didn't know. Zayn stepped forward, still the most calm out of us all but you could see the worry etched on his face.   
"Harry Styles?" He said in a rush, forcing the words out as if they didn't belong. Well they didn't, Harry shouldn't be in there right now, we shouldn't have to be asking.   
The receptionist behind the desk looked up from her magazine in shock, not realising that we were there, she clearly recognised us though as she blushed under our gazes.   
"One moment" She said, quickly typing in the name and reading something before turning back to look at us.  
"He's in the ICU right now."  
"Which room?" Liam practically shouted. The receptionist jumped and flushed.  
"I'm sorry but you can't see him right now. I'll have someone come and get you when it's possible. Please take a seat in the waiting room for now."  
We nodded, not pleased but realising there was nothing we could do. Zayn practically carried Niall through to the waiting room with Liam close behind in case they fell. I walked slowly behind and sat down opposite them in silence. Harry's hurt, Harry's hurt, Harry's hurt on repeat in my mind, before an even scarier thought started. Harry could die, Harry could die, Harry could die. The fact hit me hard and soon I was just as bad as Niall, if not worse, with tears endlessly pouring down my face and onto my lap, I bent forward to put my head in my hands when I heard the crunch of the letter bending in my back pocket, reminding me that Harry did this to himself. The urge to know why was crushing. I needed to know. I needed to know what had caused him to do this, to try to end it all. 

I took the paper out of my pocket and walked towards the other boys, who looked at me with questioning faces. I showed them the paper and they seemed to understand as Niall burst into yet more tears and Liam and Zayn let the first few out of their eyes. I sat in between them and decided to read the first part to them.

Dear whoever finds me, I choked out through tears.  
I'm so sorry that you saw me like this but please don't try to help. It's for the best and I know you won't believe me because no one ever does, but it's the truth I promise. Yet again I am so sorry. Keep smiling. 

Keep smiling?! He thinks that we can even try to smile right now?! He thought it was for the best?! Was he crazy?! 

I looked onto the next bit and saw it was to Niall.   
"Ni, the next part is for you, do you want to read it privately or shall I read it to you?" I asked softly to the breaking boy by my side.  
"You read it." He said, trying to calm himself down so he can hear it properly. I carried on reading, my throat hurting more and more as I tried to suppress my tears from falling again. 

Dear Niall,  
keep your head up leprechaun, I'm better now. I know you tried to help me with this and I know I've spoken to you about doing this plenty of times but I also know that you will still find this a shock and I'm so terribly sorry. You were always the one who tried to keep my mind off of it when he was out with her and I don't think you'll ever understand just how much I love you for that. You were the person who took his place as my protector when she came, only he protected me from the world, you protected me from him. I know you won't believe me when I tell you you helped me more than words can explain but you did, I would have been gone a long time ago if you weren't here. I never understood why people called you the naive one, you were the first, and only, person to figure this out.   
I love you Nialler, I'm not worth a frown. Keep smiling.

I was angry now, at whoever had caused him to do this and Niall. He knew that he was depressed and didn't tell anyone. We could of stopped this.

"You knew?!" My voice came out sharper than I thought it could, and louder too. I didn't try to keep it quiet though.   
"You knew that he was depressed and you didn't tell us?!"  
"Louis-" Liam tried to stop me but I pushed on.  
"We could have stopped this! He could of been fine right now!"   
"Louis stop-"  
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAU-"  
"LOUIS!"   
I stopped. Zayn never shouts.  
"THIS IS NOT HIS FAULT, IT WAS NOT HIS STORY TO TELL US! IF HARRY WANTED US TO KNOW HE WOULD OF TOLD US! HE WAS ONLY BEING A GOOD FRIEND OF HARRY'S, WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU HAVE BEEN SINCE YOU STARTED DATING THE BITCH!"   
"What? I'm Harry's best mate, I-"  
"You were Harry's best mate, Lou." Liam said softly, Daddy Directions back. "When was the last time you had a proper conversation with him?"   
"Last-" I cut myself off this time, I couldn't remember.   
"Exactly."  
Zayn had calmed down again now and Niall was sat staring at nothing, the tears slowly stopping like he's run out.


	4. The Letter - Part 2

I was still angry, I just didn't know who I was angry at anymore. Was it Niall? Was it the mystery girl and boy in the letter? Or was it me? It was definitely the mystery people, they left him, the pricks, but so had I. I hadn't even noticed. Niall was just being a good friend. He was being who I wasn't. I can't be angry at him for that. He was helping Harry as much as he could when I didn't even know he needed helping. I was deep in thought before I heard Liam clear his throat, clearly trying to ask me to say who was next on the letter. I cleared my throat and looked at the letter.   
"Zayn?" I asked carefully, he had calmed down but he was still tense and clearly annoyed. He looked up at me.  
"What?"   
"Do you want to read your part privately or do you want me too read it?"   
"You read it, just don't snap at me afterwards for anything written in it." I nodded and started reading, voice still rough from shouting and crying.

Dear Zayn,   
I know you'll take this as a surprise, along with Liam, neither of you ever saw how hurt I was. I resented you both for that so many times but you weren't to blame, I was the one who swore Niall to secrecy when he found out about the cuts and purging, I stopped. He cut and purged? Since when? How long had he been doing it? Why hadn't I noticed? The last question was stupid, I realised, I'd been with Eleanor, Harry hadn't seemed important.  
"Louis?" I snapped out of my trance and looked at Zayn.   
"Yeah?"   
"Is that all or is there more?"   
"Oh, uh yeah"   
I was the one who wore the fake smiles, I was the one who hid away in my flat, away from the outside world, I was the one who kept it a secret. You were nothing to do with it. Whether you knew it or not you still helped me, so keep your smile and your Vogue model looks, no one wants to see you with red rimmed eyes because of me, but please don't bottle up your emotions, everyone needs a cry sometimes. Look out for Liam, he needs to take a break from being Daddy Direction sometimes. Perrie will support you, have that family you always wanted. I love you Zaynie. Keep smiling.

Zayn was crying, holding on tightly to Liam and Niall, who were holding him just as tightly back, as if they needed it as much as he did. They probably did. 

Looking down I saw Liam's name written next and briefly wondered if he'd forgotten about me, he'd never do that.

"Li? You're next."   
"Read it." 

Dear Liam,   
This is not your fault Liam James Payne, do you understand me?! This was never your fault and it never will be. Please believe me. I know you feel like you should know everything about the band, like you're the one who has too keep everyone happy, but you don't, ok? You need a break too, we all do sometimes, mine just lasted a little longer than the rest. Keep Danielle happy and please support Niall a tiny bit and he and Zayn will support you too. I promise. This is for the best Li, please believe me on this too. I know it's definitely the best for me. I love you Li. Keep smiling.

Liam was choking on sobs, his walls breaking entirely. I could see his lips moving, forming some type of chant repeatedly, but too quiet for me to hear.  
"Why didn't I know? I could of helped, I love you too, Haz" It was on repeat and getting louder now, even through his cries, it was like watching a part of his heart breaking.  
Niall and Zayn sat next to him cooing sweet things in his ears, trying to calm him down. I stepped forward and hugged him tightly, swaying slightly and and with a repeat of Harry's words he stopped crying and hugged us tightly.   
'This is not your fault Liam James Payne, do you understand me?! This was never your fault and it never will be. Please believe me.'

After half an hour of hugs and soothing words we decided we should get back too the letter only for me too read who was next and jump up.

"We haven't told Gemma or Anne! How could we have forgotten something like that?! Someone call them. NOW!"   
Liam jumped up as well only for Zayn to pull him down and take his place walking towards the exit of the hospital with his phone in hand. How could we not have remembered his own mother and sister?! Liam seemed to be thinking the same thing as he was pulling his hair, stressed by the fact we forgot something so important. Niall pulled his hands from his hair and pulled me and him to his side's.   
"Its ok, we were stressed and worried, don't worry, Anne and Gemma will understand. Don't cry anymore Lou, you'll be dehydrated." I hadn't realised I was crying again but the stress was just too much right now. I hadn't even read my part of the letter yet. Zayn came back in and joined the hug straight away, soothing our backs and crying as well. Everyone was a crying mess. It had been hours and we still hadn't heard any news on Harry. When we stepped back Zayn decided to speak up.  
"They're on there way, they were at the flat because they were going to surprise Harry with a visit. They thought it was strange that the door was still wide open."   
"Good, they'll be here soon." Liam sighed. Two minutes later Anne and Gemma ran into the waiting room, worry etched on their faces.   
"What's happened?! Is he ok?!" Gemma asked, with a crack in her voice. No one answered so I spoke up.  
" You both might want to sit down." My voice sounded distressed to my own ears, I sounded a mess. Still, they sat down.  
"I'm sorry." My voice cracked but I carried on " He tried to kill himself, and we don't know whether he succeeded or not yet" They both sat staring at me, hoping that I was joking but knowing that I wasn't. "I'm so so sorry."  
"Why?" Anne finally asked, we don't know yet but we.'ve been working our way through Heidegger and it might be in a part we haven't got to yet. Gemma, it's your part next. Do you want me to read it for you or do you want to read it in private?"    
"I don't think I'd be able to read it"   
"Ok"   
Dear Gemma,   
hey big sis, don't be too upset over this. You've been the best sister I could have asked for, even through all the petty fights you've always been there for me to talk to, it's not your fault I didn't. It's not your fault you didn't notice what was happening, you were on the other side of the world. I love you so much sis. Keep smiling.

Gemma was silently crying, trying to keep it under control and succeeding until we got to the last two sentences.   
'I love you so much sis. Keep smiling.'   
She cried for a couple of minutes and then got angry.   
"He thinks I can fucking smile right now?! He thinks I can smile, knowing that I could have helped! Is he crazy?!"   
"Calm down Gemma, it's okay, just calm down." Anne tries too help through her own tears. Gemma is breaks then, sobs and wail crawling there way out of her lungs, echoing throughout the waiting room. It took an hour to calm her.

When she had calmed down I turned to Anne.  
"Do you want me to read yours?" She nodded silently, tears already drenching her top.   
"Alright" I took a deep breath, 

Dear Mum,   
I'm so sorry. You never wanted me to turn out like this and I'm so sorry I've disappointed you. It's not you're not fault, I swear. Robin will look after you, I know he will. He's always been there for you. Tell him I love him too. I love you so much, I've always been a mummas boy. Keep smiling. 

She didn't react as badly as I thought she would, only a couple of sobs escaped her lips, before she hugged all of us and said she wanted to go see Robin back at the hotel. We nodded and got a taxi for her as she wasn't in the right state to drive. None of us were. 

We were near the bottom of the page now. I was next. I knew he wouldn't forget me. 

Dear Louis, I choked on a sob, I couldn't do this.  
"Can someone else read this? Please. I just can't."   
Niall walked up and took the letter, before leading me to his old seat and carrying on reading.

I love you. I guess that's the best way to start it, you always liked to know the truth. I never lied though, when I told you I loved you that is, I simply meant it more than you did and in a different way. How was I supposed to tell my straight male best friend I was in love with him? Well, this is how I guess, just a little too late. I love you, I love you, I love you. It feels so good knowing you're going to know what I mean by that soon. I love you, I love you, I love you. You're perfect, I will never understand why you don't believe it. I guess it's best that I'm about to do this, you always wanted to have kids, I would never have been able to give you that, but you have her so I guess it's ok for you. You'll be happy and that's all I ever wanted so, yeah, this is for the best. I'm just happy I got to know you. Tell your little girl or boy you're going to have in the future about his uncle Harry, tell them sorry that I'm not there but that I'm protecting them from heaven, like a guardian angel maybe, cos I will be. I'll be protecting all of you, even her if she makes you happy. She'll support you through this, you'll be fine. I've got to go now, the pills are kicking in and I'm feeling a bit drowsy. I love you, I love you, I love you. 

That was the last thing I heard before I passed out.


	5. The Truth

I woke up in a hospital bed with a nurse sticking an IV in my hand and 2 boys sat beside me. I groaned as a sharp pain flashed through my head. Zayn and Liam looked up straight away.   
"Hey, Lou, how are you feeling?"   
"Head hurts like a bitch." My voice was croaky and my throat felt like sand paper, Zayn obviously noticed as he reached for a glass of water on my nightstand and handed it to me. I gulped it down in less than 30 seconds.   
"Thanks, mate"   
"Anytime"   
"I might sound really stupid but why am I here?" Zayn and Liam shared a look. The nurse walked out of the room to give us some privacy probably.  
"You don't remember?" Liam finally asked after a minute of awkward and silence and shared looks.  
"No, is it important?"   
"What do you remember?"   
"Um, walking into the flat to find Harry so we could go to the Chinese resteraunt in town, but Harry wasn't answering. Then Niall came in and then we said something and he ran into Harry's room, and started pounding on the door to his bathroom door. We shouted about something then he told me to call you so you could help open the door and then you managed to open it and -" 

oh 

Harry.

"Holy fuck Liam is he awake?! Where is he?! I need to see him and-" I started to get out of bed but Zayn gently pushed me back down.  
"Do you remember the letter Lou?"  
"Yeah"   
"Do you remember your part in the letter?" I had to think about that.  
"Well I-"   
"He said he loved you, Lou, as in he was in love with you" Well now I remember.  
"That's what made me faint isn't it?"   
"Yeah, we think so." Oh God. I feel sick.  
"Where's the letter? Can I have it?" Liam reached into his pocket and wordlessly handed it to me. I unwrapped it carefully, trying not to rip it. I looked straight down to my part this time. Straight to the I love you' s . I didn't know what to think anymore. He loved me, and I never gave him a second glance. Whenever I was with him it was all about Eleanor, why didn't I see the pain he was going through? Oh yeah, because I had Eleanor. 

Oh fuck, Eleanor. I completely forgot about her. I just left her in the car and drove off in the other one. She's gonna be furious. I should probably call her. As I came out of my thoughts I realised Niall was in here and talking to the other two under his breathe.  
"Hey, guys, have you heard from Eleanor?" According to them, Niall especially, that was a bad thing to ask. They turned to look at me, Liam and Zayn had disbelief on their faces whilst Nialls was contorted with anger.  
"Eleanor?!" He spat out the name like it was poison, anger making his accent deeper, it was almost comical. I would have laughed if it was under different circumstances. "You're 'Best friend' is in hospital and you ask about Eleanor?!"  
Liam and Zayn did not try to calm him down, looking as if they agreed but wanted to stay out of it.  
"For all you know Harry could be dead and you still ask about Eleanor?! He tried to kill himself because of you and you still think of ELEANOR?!" He was raging now, clenching his fists as if trying not too punch me, it was a terrifying sight. Niall was supposed to be the happy-go-lucky one, always seeing the silver linings but now he was angry. Angrier than I'd ever seen anyone before.  
"She's my girlfriend! Of course I asked about her! Harry was the cutting freak who got himself in here anyway!" This even made Liam and Zayn angry as they turned to glare at me from where they were sitting. Hell, even I was surprised by what I called Harry.

"Do you not take any of the blame for this?! You neglected him as a friend. He knew he'd never get you romantically but he fucking needed you in some form! But you left him! You left all of us for that- That bitch! He loved you and you spent too much time ignoring his existence and cancelling plans with him for her, so you never noticed and now look at where we are! In a hospital! And it's your fucking fault!" Niall then turned and stormed out of the room, still mumbling curse words and profanities under his breathe. Liam and Zayn then followed close behind, none of them spared a glance at me on their way out, too busy trying to get as far away as possible. 

I don't know why I said what I did, I know Harry isn't a cutting freak, that he just needed help, but I still said it and I feel disgusted at myself. I looked down, too the letter that was forgotten and folded neatly in the centre of my lap. The words I love you, I love you, I love you coming back into my brain. He loved me and I ignored him like he was a peace of dog crap at the end of my road. Niall was right, I neglected him. And now look where we are. It's all your fault. 

Nothings ever been truer.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry P.O.V

The lights were blinding when I opened my eyes. I had gotten used to the darkness that had surrounded me for god knows how long. I hadn't succeeded, I even failed that simple task.

Louis. He knows. What does he think? Does he hate me now? Was he even upset to begin with? Oh my god, what have I done? Liam and Zayn know too. Are they angry? Do they still want to be in a band with a fag? I doubt it. Oh god, oh god, oh god...

I heard shouting from the room next door. It seemed to be quite loud and angry but I tried to ignore it, I didn't need to know what other people were going through. It's none of my business. I managed to ignore it and try to go back to sleep, it was working until -  
"Eleanor?!"  
"Girlfriend"  
"Cutting freak!"  
"Neglected -  
Bitch-   
Your fault!"  
And then I heard heavy footsteps and a door slam, followed by quieter footsteps and the door closing gently.  
"HOW COULD HE SAY THAT?!"  
I recognised that voice, it was Niall. I'd recognise it anywhere, but I'd never heard him so angry before. He sounded absolutely fuming.  
"I know, mate, but you need to calm down, we're in a hospital and we don't want to draw attention to ourselves." And that was clearly Liam, in a sensible fatherly tone that he always used when we were messing around in public.   
"He's right, Ni, calm down, we still need to see Harry before you get us chucked out, ok?" I could deep breathes being taken and then my door was opening, revealing a still red in the face Niall and Liam and Zayn right behind him still exchanging a mix of worried and annoyed looks. As soon as they saw me awake their eyes widened comically before they all piled on top of me, hugging me excruciatingly tightly. If it was anyone else I would have pushed them off of me but I was too overwhelmed by the fact they still loved me too do anything more but hug them back. Then Liam was getting off and looking at me sternly, pulling the other too boys off of me as well. Niall had tears freely running down his face, he tried to cling to me like a koala, but Liam tugged him off easily.  
"Why didn't you tell me and Zayn?" Was the first thing any of them said to me.  
"Yeah, we could have helped Haz." I flinched at the name Louis had created for me being used. Zayn seemed to notice his mistake as he looked at me with an apologetic expression but he stuck with the question.  
"I didn't want to worry you."  
"Do you think that we're not worried now? After you tried to do this?" Liam sounded slightly angry but I guess he had the right too.  
"I'm sorry"  
Niall noticed that tears were building in my eyes and quickly hugged me, trying as much as he could to make me feel better, even under the circumstances. After a couple of minutes he pulled back and wiped the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.  
"Who were you shouting at next door?"  
"Oh, you heard that?" Niall blushed and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.  
"Yeah, I did, who was it?"  
"No one important." Zayn rushed and the others looked at him sceptically, adding to the already growing suspicion.  
"Yeah, um, just a, uh, person." I saw Niall role his eyes at Liam when he thought I wasn't looking. Liam was never any good at lying. I looked around the room and that was all the evidence I needed.  
"It was Louis, wasn't it?" They looked at each other. then nodded.   
"How much did you hear?" Zayn asked.  
"Um..." and that was when I remembered what had been said.

"Eleanor"  
"Girlfriend"  
"Cutting Freak"

The tears recollected themselves in my eyes.

"Enough to know he hates me." Niall looked at me sympathetically whilst Zayn and Liam exchanged a quick worried look.  
"No, no, no! That's not it! He was just stressed! It's not everyday your best friend tries to kill himself because he loves you!" Liam rushed out and you could see all of them mentally face palm at the last part.   
"For fucks sake..." Niall mumbled and Zayn nodded along with the statement. They could try and make me think that he's just stressed but I knew it wasn't that.

He hated me and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Cutting freak!" kept going round my head in a cycle. That's all I am too him now. That's all I am. A cutting freak. 

What have I done?!

Niall P.O.V:

"Cutting freak. Cutting freak. Cutting freak. Cutting freak." Harry was mumbling it repeatedly, gradually getting louder and louder. I sat next to him and he didn't react. I touched his shoulder. No reaction. I hugged him.

No reaction.

He's still getting louder.

I started shaking him, tapping his face, clicking my fingers in front of him. He still barely blinked.  
"Liam get a nurse!"  
Liam and Zayn had gotten into a conversation but as soon as Liam looked up and saw Harry he was gone out the door. Zayn came and sat next to me, desperately trying to get Harry to react to him as well.  
Liam rushed in with a nurse by his side.   
"Harry. Can you hear me? Harry?" The nurse calmly tried to speak to him, but you could barely hear him over Harry's voice. He was nearly shouting now. The nursetriedagain multiple times before grabbing Harrys arm and putting in a tube. Harry closed his eyes, still talking but quitter now, and slowly fell asleep, becoming silent. The nurse looked at us. Our questioning glances seemed to be enough to ask him what was wrong.  
"It seemed to be delayed shock. He will be asleep for about an hour, when he wakes up calmly explain what happened and get another nurse or doctor to check up on him." He walked out after getting a nod as an answer from us.

"What are we gonna do?" Zayn asked the question we were all thinking.  
"What can we do? We've just got too tell him the truth or he's not going to trust us when he finds out, we cant have that. He'd just get worse." They nodded.   
"But what are we gonna do about Louis?" Just hearing the name made me angry. Look what he did! And then he said ~That~.  
"What is there we can do?! He's a dick! I'm not gonna do anything about him! Leave him alone to see what a dick he is until he comes crawling back!"  
"He would never do that and you know it. He's too stubborn! He'd just go and complain with Eleanor-"  
"Eleanor?!" The thing that surprised me was the fact it wasn't me who spat it. Zayn was gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, he looked like he was going to break something.  
"It's her fault this happened in the first place! It's obvious he likes Harry back but Eleanor is always there, keeping him from seeing it himself!" I heard a deep laugh at that, and turned to see Harry with a smile on bitter smile on his face.  
"I think you're the one who needs to be in this bed if you think that. You're seeing things Zayniekins!" Harry chuckled again, it was a scary sound that echoed around the otherwise silent room. No one knew what to say to that, it was obvious no one would be able to convince him that Zayn was saying something that Liam and I had noticed as well, that it could be true. But we couldn't exactly tell him he was wrong, it would break the broken boys heart even more. We all stayed silent until Harry looked us all separately in the eye.  
"Exactly." I then remembered we were supposed to have gotten a doctor or nurse and used that as my excuse to get out of the awkward silence that had filled the room.  
"Nurse! You need to see my friend." He needs help, I was close to saying.

In more ways than one.


	7. Time Flies When You Feel Like You're Dying

Niall P.O.V

"We'll be there in a second." The nurse replied before turning and walking in to another room. I waited outside, not wanting to go back into the awkward atmosphere that filled Harry's room and there was no way in hell i was going back to Louis' room. The nurse came out again 5 minutes later.

"Which room?" she asked before following me to the correct door.

"He's in a bit of a bad mood." I said quickly, not waiting for a reply before walking into the room. Harry was glaring angrily at Liam and Zayn whilst they tried to ignore the look the best they could. The nurse looked at the clipboard, reading something before turning to the boy in the bed.

"Hello Mr. Styles. Are you feeling anything out of the usual?" She asked kindly but Harry refused to reply, turning his glare to me.

"Mr. Styles, are you feeling okay?" She tried again. Liam looked at her apologetically before speaking up.

"Sorry, he's been having a bad day." The nurse turned to look at him.

"And you two are?" She asked, gesturing to him amd Zayn.

"Liam Payne, friend, and this is Zayn Malik, also a friend." The nurse nodded.

"Well Mr.Payne, I think you should know that he's having a bad night. It's almost midnight." Liam looked at his watch, shocked.

"We've been here 6 hours." He mumbled.

And wow, time really does fly when you feel like you're dying.

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Sorry it's so devastatingly short, i'm not very good at this! I'll try and update quickly to make up for it, promise!

Keep smiling, you're fabulous! xxx


	8. Overreaction

"Mr. Styles, you are going to have to cooperate sooner or later and I would prefer it to be sooner,there are other patients in this hospital that i have to attend to."

"Fine." Harry hissed, turning towards her with a glare that could freeze hell over. "What do you want?" Everyone in the room froze, no one had expected such venom from the boy in the bed. I'll kill Louis for this.

"Are you feeling any discomfort, headaches or pains. Anything out of the usual?" She asked impatiently, eyebrow raised.

"No, I'm not, the only thing that hurts are where the bandages are and we cant do much about that, can we?" The venom had disappeared but nothing had replaced it, his voice was hollow and it made shivers run down my spine.

"Haz-" The glare Zayn shot me was enough to make me change my words. "Harry, mate..." I trailed off, not knowing what i was going to say in the first place. He ignored me anyway.

The nurse sighed.

"No, there's nothing we can do about that, but if you do feel any other pains please ring the bell and we'll be here as soon as we can." Harry nodded stiffly in reply as the nurse walked out of the room. We tried to gain his attention for a couple of minutes before finally giving up.

"Look, Harry, we'll be back in around an hour, all right? Try not to be as angry with us, you need some time to think." Harry gave us the same stiff nod as he gave the nurse and continued to stare at the wall that separated him and Louis.

"And try not to think about him too much." I added as an afterthought before leaving the room behind Liam and Zayn.

"Well, who's the least pissed off at Louis right now?" Zayn asked after the door closed and I stood back, raising my arms as if in surrender.

"Count me out, it's one of you two." Zayn looked at Liam and Liam sighed.

"The only reason I haven't punched his face in yet is because it hasn't really sunk in yet, but fine."

Liam P.O.V 

Zayn went to stand by Niall, both looking at me as I slowly stepped towards Louis' door.

"If it does sink in while I'm in there and I do end up punching his face in, you're both taking the blame. Niall shrugged.

"I'm pretty sure that's why we're both not going in there. We both want to punch him but don't want to hurt our hands, so taking the blame won't be too hard. We have the excuse." Zayn smirked at Nialls reply but they both continued to stare.

"You're both horrible." I mumbled before taking the next few steps and knocking on the door.

"Hey, Louis, it's me." I said, walking through the door after i got a muffled 'Come in'.

"You're mad at me, too, aren't you?" Louis sighed, head down and hands tight around a piece of paper.

"Why would you say that?"

"You called me Louis, no one calls me Louis. It's always Lou, or Boo or something."

"To be honest, I think we've got the right to be. The others won't even come in, they sent me in because I was the least pissed out of all of us; and that's only because it hasn't really sunk in properly yet." I said gruffly.

"Are you gonna tell Anne and Gemma ?" Louis asked, a tad bit of fear was recognizable in his voice. I raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"You know, about what i said ?" Louis carried on, eyes wide and red rimmed.

"I don't know, maybe ? They're gonna know something happened, might as well get it over with." I shrugged, angry at the mention of what he had done.

"Oh, god. Li, please don't! Gemma will kill me and Anne will never speak to me again !"

"Maybe you deserve that, they'd only be doing what the rest of us want to do. Those two outside are pretty murderous, they'd probably join in."

"I didn't mean what i said, Li ! It just came out !"

"That doesn't change anything, Harry heard and I'm pretty sure that you caused some kind of panic attack, so-"

"Overreaction." Louis mumbled, cutting me off.

"What?" I asked, hoping that I had heard heard wrong.

"He was overreacting, one word can't cause a panic attack. Eleanor told me that-" And then I slammed the door.

Sooner or later he's gonna have to open his eyes. Let's just hope it's before anyone dies.

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Keep smiling ! You're worth more to people than you think !


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